Mom time

Last Sunday my neighbor Becky and I went to Starbucks after our kids went to bed and just hung out and caught up.  It was so wonderful.  When Ella and Helena were infants (they are 4 months apart), Becky and I would switch their carseats into one of our cars and drive all over Austin together--going to lunch at Uppercrust or taking a Mommy/Baby yoga class.  I can't believe it's been 3 years since we've done that!

When we had our first kids, I was the one giving Becky pep talks and advice, since I was a few months ahead on the parenting journey.  Now, her second is almost 1 1/2 and Haddie is only 4 months, so she's been busy filling me in on what to expect with two little ones and also lending an ear as I work out all the "new" that this season has brought.

She said several things that made great sense, and one thing that just about took the wind out of me with its simplicity and poignancy for my life.  We were talking about parenthood, wanting more kids or not,  how children change your life and marriage...you know, light conversation on a fun girls' night out. Ha.  We both came to the conclusion that exhaustion will be a constant in this life stage.  And then Becky went on to say that one thing she had learned in having her two kids is that she is flat out going to be exhausted, so she can be exhausted and mean, impatient and grumpy, or she can be exhausted and play with and enjoy her kids.  That if they jump on her back, she should just play with them.

Poignant. Simple. This is my new truth.

It's both easy and difficult to behave my way into success with this.  Easy because I'm home all day, so the opportunities are plentiful to just enjoy Ella and Haddie.  Man, they are fun.  Difficult because I'm home all day so the opportunities are equally as plentiful to backslide and be impatient with them.  I've succeeded and failed in equal measure so far, I think, but then again I feel happier and more peaceful this week.  More of each day is spent in enjoyment and less and less in frustration.  I think that counts for something.  And even better, I've found myself in actual wonderment of them on several occasions--when Ella gets on her bike and rides it without my help, or that Haddie watches, smiles at, and laughs at Ella more than anyone else.  That they are really loving each other. Beautiful stuff. The stuff of life.

Life moves pretty fast...

...with two kids.

Man, oh, man--it's amazing how quickly the days fly by.  And also how slowly they can go.  I think it's hard to have appropriate perspective on time with a 3 1/2 year old and a 3 month old for several reasons, but let's be honest, lack of sleep is the main culprit.  I miss napping with Ella.  She doesn't nap much anymore when she's home, so I'm trying to take advantage of her school days to make sure I get some rest.

I've had to consistently remind myself that we're still in "Survival Mode" to a great extent, since Haddie is still up 2-3 times per night.  I'm not against the Ferber "cry-it-out" method for her if this keeps up into months 4 or 5, but I will say that it's difficult to imagine letting her cry like that because her reflux really gives her some trouble at times.  She is just precious and sweet and smiley, and it's obvious the second she has reflux or tummy issues because she becomes so uncomfortable and upset.  So, for now, we will keep going the way we're going, and I'll nap when Ella's at school.

As for Ella, we have an appointment on Tuesday with a pediatric pulmonologist, who we hope will help us figure out how to get her asthma under better control.  This is, without a doubt, a major cause of stress for me, and is becoming compromising for her in regards to her ability to run, play, be outside, and other favorite 3-year-old activities.  Her constant cough and inflamed airways certainly add to the feeling of "Survival Mode" living.  I cannot stand that she's constantly between bronchitis/pneumonia/respiratory infection and getting over bronchitis/pneumonia/respiratory infection. It breaks my heart, and it makes me worry about her health.  There's nothing like a chronic symptom, like a cough, to make you constantly aware that your child isn't fully well.  I truly believe that this is a huge opportunity for me to practice empathy, patience, faith and perseverance.  If you had asked me (or even better Hal) before we had Ella what one of my weakest traits was the answer would have been something like, "Laura has no patience or empathy for people when they are sick."  I couldn't stand when Hal got sick---in some ridiculous way it was as if he was doing it to push my buttons.  Absolutely no sympathy.  And likewise, when I was sick, I just wanted to be alone, in my room, in my own misery.  I wouldn't complain about how I felt, but I also didn't allow any empathy or help to come my way.  Ella has changed my heart in that way.  And let me say honestly that it is very difficult to open your heart up to the feelings that accompany you when you are caring for your chronically sick child.  I do have perspective with this--I fully realize the small scope of Ella's health issues in comparison to many.  However, I'm tired of people commenting in stores about her "smoker's cough". And really, who says that about a 3-year-old? Apparently lots of people...twice this week already.  Anyway, if you think about it over the next few days/weeks/months, send a little prayer up for her or some warm fuzzies.  I'm sure answers are coming, so we are moving forward with faith and positive thinking. :)

Love my little women.  Love. love. love.

Hello, Haddie!

Ok, we had a baby on Halloween. And it's taken me until now to find the computer again.

Ahhhh, a newborn baby. Is there anything better? I want to drink her up.  I want her to stay little forever.  I want her to grow up and talk to me. I want to take in every second with her and commit it to memory.  She's my precious baby, and I am just so unbelievably thankful for her.

I don't have time to write much right now, but I'm writing this little bit to force myself back into the blogging world.  I don't want to miss what Haddie or Ella are doing these days.

But for now, allow me to introduce (courtesy of Sweet Louise Photography)...

Haddie Louise Denbar, our perfect Halloween treat.

And one of both girls, so happy to be sisters.  In fact, just today as my mom and the girls were in REI playing in the tents, Ella would leave and wander for a minute, and Haddie would start to whine and dart her eyes looking for Ella.  They are crazy about each other.

A Case of Mistaken Identities

Ella is obsessed with Francis Scott Key--yes, the one who wrote the Star Spangled Banner.  Several times over the last few months she's asked me to tell her what the song means, and at some point I mentioned the story of how Mr. Key came to write it.  And what I means by that is that I told her whatever vague recollection I have from Mr. Conrad's 11th grade AP U.S. History class.  It turns out that I actually remembered that story accurately (and I only scored a 3 on that AP test...obviously, I did not reach my full potential on that day). 

So, what I told my 3-year-old, which at the time I was sure was completely historically inaccurate, has led to her obsession with the man who wrote our National Anthem. We role play Francis Scott Key with My Little Ponies.  I'm Francis Scott Key making cheese quesadillas for lunch.  We acknowledge British accents on TV, and how the Brits took Mr. Key prisoner on a ship. Ridiculous.

This was all well and good.  Until the day when I realized that she had somehow mixed up two stories.  One was the story of how the National Anthem was written.  The other was how her 9th great-grandfather, William Brewster, was the elder on the Mayflower.  Both true stories.  But Ella now believes Francis Scott Key was her 9th great-grandfather. And from this mistake in historical accuracy, an obsession has grown.

I have a really hard time correcting her though, because she sings that song with such pride.

Total sidenote: 35 weeks tomorrow. Wow. Still waiting on the nursery bedding to ship.  Feeling big, but much less swollen than last time around--which is a huge plus.  She's almost here!

Getting really pregnant

Before kids, I thought pregnancy was relatively straightforward.  Are you pregnant? Yes. Or no.  Today totally reminded me of the truth, and it's been 3 years since I've had a big dose of it.  

You can be pregnant, pretty pregnant, or really pregnant (and several levels in between).  I'm starting to feel really pregnant.  I'll be 27 weeks tomorrow, and I think that makes me about a week or two away from the third trimester.  Now, just to clarify, I'm not reaaaaally pregnant just yet.  I'm just really pregnant.  Confusing? It makes total sense to me. :)

I just wanted to document that one day (give or take) before 27 weeks, I stopped being able to hunch over the computer or Ella's table to draw/play Legos or to read a book in bed and still breathe sufficiently.  My belly feels like it's in my chest, which helps my posture because I'm forced to sit up straight, but really makes me feel so much bigger.  Because when your belly/baby is pushing on your ribs, you realize there's nowhere else to go but out.  13 weeks of growing outward...yikes.

Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that 3rd cookie. 

Dancing Mood

Ella and I went to lunch after I picked her up from school today.  As she was eating her grilled cheese, she started to look rather pensive.  I asked her what she was thinking and she said, "Momma, are we gonna go home and take a nap after this?"  I said, "Yes."  "Well," she says, "before nap, let's turn on some music so I can dance." She then proceeded to start grooving in her seat, head bobbing, grilled cheese in left hand, right hand moving to whatever beat is in her head.

I asked her if she was in a dancing mood, and she asked what that meant.  I explained different moods and when I finished, she replied, "Momma, I want to be in the dancing mood please."  So we went home and danced.

On a separate note, three women stopped at our booth while we were eating to tell Ella how cute she is/what pretty hair she has.  It turns out that curly-headed blondes are magnets for adults, mostly grandparents.  They cannot walk by without commenting on the hair.  This may sound like I'm bragging, but the real reason I mention it is that Ella has actually learned to smile sweetly and to say thank you.  It's actually pretty hilarious. When I showed her a clip of Shirley Temple on YouTube (we've gotten that comparison several times), she determined that she could sing "On the Good Ship Lollipop" just as well as Ms. Temple.  My brain was reeling with thoughts of some future church talent show. And then Toddlers and Tiaras.  So I've reiterated to her 20 times today how smart she is. But at the end of the day, the girl just wants to dance. :)

Sisters

I've spent a good deal of time over the last two weeks contemplating what I feel about having two girls.  When we found out Ella was going to have a baby sister, it was such an exciting feeling.  First, because we didn't find out the gender when we were pregnant with Ella, so it was fun to already start planning and dreaming.  Second, because Hal and I had both said that although we would honestly be thrilled with either one, we would love for Ella to have a sister to bond with and share childhood with.

What I didn't expect, although I can truly understand why it happened, was the frequent question, "Are you disappointed that it's not a boy?" or worse, "Is Hal?"

And because no one who reads this blog ever asked me that, and because this blog is really more about chronicling the growth of my family, specifically my kiddos, I wanted to flesh out some realizations that this specific question has helped me to discover.

1.  I think it is totally natural for a parent (and pretty much anyone and everyone) to want or wish for one of each, boy and girl.  I was watching Modern Family and Mitchell and Cameron (a gay couple who have already adopted a little girl) are trying to adopt a little boy now.  It made me realize that the desire for one of each may not be gender-based (all dads want a boy, all moms want a girl, etc.) as much as it is a desire to experience the different and special things about each one.  This leads me to reiterate that I really do see the natural segue from hearing that we're having another girl to asking if it disappointed us.

2. It didn't disappoint us.  This is the best realization of all.  It's probably easy to believe that it didn't disappoint me. But Hal really surprised me with how excited he is to have another girl.  The truth is that we went through some tough times in trying to get pregnant again.  It was a difficult journey, and our ability to even have another baby seemed, at times, unlikely.  And as we rounded the year-mark and blew past it, there was a God-given peace and satisfaction that overcame our family of three.  We were a unit, and we were happy to have one another.  Not that it took away the dream of another baby, but it allowed us to accept that our family, most likely, one way or another, wouldn't look exactly like the postcard family, or even the family that we had always thought we would look like.  This obviously has more depth than can be explained in a blog post, but the bottom line is that I can see more clearly now after praying and struggling for another baby than I ever could have before that it was always going to be Ella and Haddie (she has a name!).  God knew what I felt so lost about all along. My daughters would be these two, and their existence and creation and growth is not from me, but from Him.  They are gifts that I have been entrusted to raise and shelter and grow--but they are His to lead and use for His good.

And I hope they love each other as much as I love them. :)